I had so much pent up emotions just waiting to spill, but now that I’ve been at church school for 4 hours and 7 hours working on a catapult, I am officially exhausted and would like nothing more than to pass out…

I think church school is completly and totally pointless now. I will not be 18 by a designated date; therefore, will not be receiving a red khanh by next year. That makes my effort in coming to church a waste. Although I don’t come very often, when I DO come, I feel completely left out ‘cos even my FRIEND neglects me. Ugh. Don’t be telling me “oh, It’s not the same!”. Well, no shit, it’s not the same, you don’t fcn talk to me when I am there!” Dumb trick. Anyways, I don’t see my purpose in coming. Although I’ve had some amazing memories with the people there, it’s not the same anymore. Time to move on? I think yes. 

I’ve cried wayyy too much today. Although I only cried twice, that’s more than I can handle. In case you don’t know me, I’m a really private person. I don’t like expressing myself, I don’t like talking about my feelings, and yet I get really frustrated ‘cos I can’t find an outlet of expression. Even writing my personal statements was hard ‘cos the things I should have talked about, I repressed, and the things I did say were things I couldn’t care less about. 

anyways. fuck it. 

I’m always searching for an escape, and when I’m on the edge of liberation I step back. 

I’m frustrated with how lost I’ve become. It seems as if I’m drowning within my own pool of thoughts of what could have been, what should be, or simply what could be. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve strayed for awhile, and now I can’t find the light. 

Well. I can see my dad and I drifting further and further with each passing day. The sad part is I know why, but am not putting any effort into fixing it.

I’m growing up, I’m struggling with my own adversities, and I’m living in a different realm.

I’m sorry, my grades aren’t straight A’s as they used to be, but if you’ve taken AP Calculus and Physics… not exactly easy A’s.

I’m sorry I have my own battles to fight and aren’t interested in telling you. It’s annoying relaying my thoughts into words, then translating those words into Vietnamese.  I already have problems of my own. I don’t need to create more havoc from frustration.

Also, I live in totally different world from yours, past and present. Back then, you roamed the streets and did as you wished because back in your neighborhood, strangers were friends, and friends were family. Here, we’re not allowed out, and you guys are always working. If I don’t have companionship at home, don’t you think it’s justifiable that I/we find it elsewhere, oh perhaps after school extra curricular’s or spending time with friends because we’re obviously not spending it with you. We live in a world that embraces technology. I understand that disturbs you that we’re always on our phones/iPod’s/laptops, but it’s part of the work. We live in a world where the pressure is high — pressure from self motivation, parental pressure to do well, and societal pressure to not make fools out of ourselves. All this work surely packs on extra stress and anxiety. Don’t you get it? Just leave me alone, please. 

We’re drifting further and further with each passing day, but it’s not like you’re exactly thrilled to start conversations either. I’m tired. Walls up.

It hurts when people tell me I can’t do something because I’m stupid, but what hurts even more is that I actually believe it.